Under age and having SEX!

I thought I would begin by stating this is and probably will be my shortest blog EVER! Why? let me tell you...

Who watched Under age and having sex last night?

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/underage-and-having-sex/4od

Whilst I felt the documentary was a good insight into the thought’s and therefore behaviour of teenagers, it was also reminiscent of conducted researches where the results could already be predicted if you applied common sense. Like, if you pour milk on cornflakes, cornflakes will at some point go soggy- no brainer, right? Well evidently not, because here is the link to the research regarding conflakesgate and the results found. I'm being serious!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2008/aug/12/research.highereducation

So the no brainer reason in my eyes, as too why these teenagers were having underage sex, is because their parents had not given them any reason not to have sex. From the time a mother can sit in front of her daughter and proudly express, in a jokey fashion the reasons why she doesn’t like the words c*unt or Cum, there is a problem and you don’t need Apollo 13 to travel to space and tell you that!

Where the hell were the boundaries? Where was the fear? My mum told me from day dot, that whilst sex education was important, I had no business doing it. And as for boys? Books were the only thing I needed to have an interest in, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” these were the words that instilled fear into me...it worked. I was raised with a clear definition of who my mother was, she was not my friend and therefore I could not speak to her in the same ways as I would with Becky, Amanda or Tasha. Whilst I believe a relationship where the child/teenager feels able to talk to their parent is highly beneficial, there needs to be a balance within the equilibrium.

I had discipline and with it guidance, which seemed to have been a removed concept amongst the parents in the documentary. With the way of world today, would you have allowed your child to be filmed talking about their sex life? All the views came from girls, were they not afraid that they would be bullied? Stigmatised as promiscuous? Or even now that their identity is revealed pressured into sex?

“Sex is something to do to take up time” are you kidding me? Although teenagers are learning about and engaging in sex, the value, specialness, self-respect, love and the importance of being in a relationship is totally lacking in their awareness. Lack of emotional understanding may also be tied into the argument. Either way, the main responsibility lies with the parent! If you are too embarrassed to talk about sex to your child then you are failing your child. If you are too lax with your child, then you are failing your child.

Find the balance and do your job...instil, guide, discipline, love, protect and care!

Invisible but felt

I woke up this morning bright eyed, bushytailed and ...one year older. Still felt the same. I mean it’s a given, as you get older the numbers go up, no brainer right? This blazayness evaporated when I hit the gym. I typed in 31 into the cross trainer for the first time and my eyes widened at the harsh red numbers staring back at me. “Oh My God where the hell did time go?”

They say “You are as old as you feel” well I still feel like an excited 26 year old, however these two particular digits filled me with a tinge of dread and I have never felt this way on my birthday before. Feeling guilty, ungrateful and uneasy, I decided to abandon the machinery and seek a different kind of sweat ...in the steam room.30 minutes later I emerged with a light head, sweated out hair, gasping for water and a greater sense of clarity to my mini traumatic crisis....

It is invisible, always there, but you can feel it. I am talking about society’s unspoken expectations. At 31 years old I feel I am expected to have children, a boyfriend/husband/fiancé, mortgage and maybe a dog, cat or even goldfish. I do not tick any of the above and I am okay with it, though the dread this morning was an unconscious response to expectations and all the things that I don’t have. I had to shake it off by reminding myself that I am single by choice and whilst I may not have ticked these particular boxes, I have ticked others.

Single status is a normal process of life, yet in society it feels as though it is instantly seen as a bad thing and one which somehow makes a statement about you and your inability to attract the opposite sex, which is absolute nonsense. Splashed in the gossip magazines we see the ever changing statuses of, for example Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston and Jordan. Shows like Sex and the City (which I love ) and Cougar Town enforce the same ideas. When things go wrong what do they do? They diet, get a haircut, sexy outfit and hit the town, in an attempt to show the last partner what they are missing. This is denial in all its desperate glory.

As single women, they seem irrational, emotional and depressed, whilst in relationships they seem confident, sexy and happy. Is this life imitating art or vice versa? Either way, I feel the majority of singletons have adopted these ways of being as their own. Being single does not naturally equate to doom and unhappiness, just as Black +female +single doesn’t = “difficult”. But I guess like anything it is how we, you, I perceive it. I am very happy. Rather than looking at what I don’t have right now, I am grateful for what I do have and have done and experienced, whilst excited about what is on its way. I think it’s a shame that so many single women give up their power to make themselves happy and instead choose to pass the buck to someone else.

Is the grass really greener on the otherside? I’m sure there are pluses and minus on both sides, the key however seems to be, to live in the moment and enjoy where you are at. And if you’re not enjoying it, then you have a choice in what happens next. Culture, media and beliefs for example, are ideas that we adopted from very early on, however how much of these beliefs do we really agree with now? Or have obliviously taken on as our own, which directs, on an unconscious level our happiness? I say this because had I not thought about it, I could have spent my birthday in a depressed state because of society’s obsession with age and status, which would have been a damn shame. With obsession comes fear and so many people seem to be fearful of being alone. As my mum says “You come into this world alone, you go out alone so it makes sense to know yourself and love yourself” I could not have put it better.

They say two halves make a whole. I personally prefer to be whole before I meet my other half. Thank God for my mum and Iyanla Vanzant, they both taught me well. I would love to see a person in the public eye, a celebrity change the record and sing from a different hymn sheet to help empower both women and men. Being single and getting older should not be seen as some kind of dirty word that many are apologetic or embarrassed over. Let’s change it up and make it the new “Black”.

So from one singleton to others I say...

There is nothing wrong with being single. Embrace your freedom. Stand up and be counted. Wear your singleton status with pride and use the time alone “In the meantime” or “In the valley” to re-connect/define who you are and what you want. And trust that nothing for you will pass you!

A new day is a new blessing. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and so today, right now is all we have, for which I am truly grateful.

It’ s my birthday, I am 31, black, single and proud!

Related Posts:

1. Sell by Date?

2.Forced Statement of Love?