Love your neighbour as thyself?

I was compelled to ask this question after I watched 3 women push past a pregnant women and step over her pushchair this morning, as they rushed to get onto the train. I literally couldn't believe my eyes. Their actions were redundant as they were now in the way of the same women with the pushchair and had to move to make space. Normally I see these things and silently fume but this morning I just couldn't do it. “What is the point of your actions” I asked looking at the women involved in their eyes. “You can see that she has a pushchair and is pregnant and you’re pushing past her like she doesn’t exist. I’m actually disgusted”. I then asked the lady how she manages every morning to which she shrugged and then said thank you to me. I could feel my blood boiling. I was more upset than she was. Her shrug implied that what I witnessed was nothing new and her attitude was one of acceptance whilst I carried the anger.

How many women and men with pushchairs go through this each morning? How many pregnant women standing feel ignored? Although times have changed there is still a silent expectation that if there is one seat left, a man should offer this to a nearby woman before sitting down if she refuses, out of courtesy. However this gender courtesy doesn’t transcend to compassionate courtesy when it comes to pregnant standing women. I have seen both men and women do the “Let me keep my head down and pretend that I haven’t seen her” action. 

With no space to hold my newspaper or scroll through my phone, I was left with my thoughts which rather than serving as a distraction, fuelled my anger as I thought about other instances I had seen. I instantly thought of Barbados. Not for the beautiful sunshine, beaches or food but the nature of the people. There is a strong sense of community and a pregnant lady on a bus would be inundated with offers for a seat. Elderly people are looked after and even if a young person carrying lots of bags was standing, the nearest person sitting down would be holding their bags for them. I have seen this also in Jamaica and Malta. I haven’t travelled the world but I’m sure there are other places and areas in London that have a strong sense community (Please feel free to reveal your observations in the comment box).

It appears society as a whole needs an injection of kindness, compassion and solidarity. It should not matter whether you have children or not to be able to identify with a pregnant lady or mother or father pushing a pushchair, shouldn’t we all as human beings have the desire to care?  “Care” is buzzword at the moment as the government are looking into the lack of care of patients and the elderly, who are in the care of those are paid to care. An inquiry by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) An inquiry by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) found a number of elderly people were being let down by care home services. The report highlighted experiences of physical abuse, neglect of personal care, patronising or ignoring older people, financial abuse and theft, lack of control and flexibility and lack of personal sensitivity and privacy. 

Whilst on the report they made recommendations on how to improve the services it doesn't go deep enough because some people in these roles don’t care. In fact it is not the uniform that makes you care, it is the type of person that you are that is imperative to a caring role. The uniform in my eyes acts as identification and reveals they are represented by a professional body and therefore governed by an ethical framework. I think a 12 week introduction course in counselling is a fantastic method to use in all helping professions The 3 core-conditions of the Person-Centred Approach (PCA) Empathy, Unconditional Positive Regard and Congruence is a way of being tool that should be included in the foundation of all public and private sectors, as it focuses on how to provide a caring non bias service whilst promoting the importance of self-awareness, reflection and personal responsibility.

Last week Friday on the train home I sat next to an 88 year old lady. It was about 11pm and I did wonder why she was out so late, but that's none of my business as older people can have an active life too. At London Bridge a lady got on and  through shear lack of awareness allowed her bag to knock into the face of this lady. I had to prod her and tell her to move her bag. The older lady said thank you. If I hadn't said anything I wondered if she would have? She got of at the same stop as me and as I watched her, I became concerned about her safety. So I asked her if she had far to go and how she was getting home, "I'm fine love, I'm getting a cab". I told her to take care and she replied " I wish you could look after me all the time".  I kid you not when I say those words ripped my heart out, as for me it expressed her experience in lack of care, kindness and support. That night those words plagued me and those who follow me on twitter will know I had a sleepless night. 

Manners and compassion are acts of kindness that come for free, yet somewhere down the road this way of being is becoming rare, so much so that there is a “Good deed Feed” section in The Metro (Page 15) that serves as a reminder that kind people exist and acts of kindness does occur. I actually smile while reading it whilst acknowledging this should be standard behaviour. Society as a collective needs to re-learn how to be compassionate and kind to each other.

This is meant to be a Christian country but is it really?  How many people "love your neighbour as thyself?" Maybe this is the next question for The Big Questions What do you think Nicky Campbell?

© Lisa Bent 2012

Colour-blindness is not the way forward

“Should adoption be colour-blind?” This was the question on The Big Questions this morning. It was an insightful though one-sided debate riddled in serious self-defence and closed ears. Two black people had encountered two very different experiences being raised by white adoptive parents. Both came from loving households but the impact on their identity had different outcomes. Precious Williams explained how her adoptive parents saw no differences and treated her as their own. She felt inclusive though felt totally disconnected to her ‘race’ and culture to the extent that when she saw black people, the mirror image of herself, she would hide.

Ben Douglas on the other hand had a good experience to the extent that he was unable to put himself in Precious’ shoes. He totally disregarded her experience and I felt it for her. He came across strong and unaffected though to me he seemed lost and unaware of the deeper levels Derek was trying to explain.  Each individual will have different experiences and each experience and therefore expression is valid. However Nicky Campbell  and the audience seemed only able to side with Ben, which was an almost utopian rose tinted view. Why?

‘Race’ is hard to look at; it always has been and always will be. The truth however is that racism, discrimination and prejudices exist within the society we live in, further evidenced in the fact that we have equality laws and policies, therefore the door on this discussion cannot be closed when talking about adoption as the problems within society will naturally reside here also.

Yes, every child in care should be housed within a loving family, no one is denying this is of a high importance but so is the acknowledgement of difference. These acknowledgements should not be seen in separation. The complexity of ‘race’ is vast and heavily influenced by colonialism, entangled in false beliefs, projections, introjections, anxiety, fear, guilt and shame. The term colour-blind I feel serves as avoidance and a defence mechanism to mask looking at the full complexity of the issue. The issue of ‘Race’ stems way beyond racism, there are many aspects to look at which never get the attention it deserves and so’ race’ always stops at digestible perimeters.

There have been many published materials specifically on white/black relations, where awareness of difference and diversity, racism and socio-political history and the importance of racial consciousness have been highlighted, however this knowledge never seems to transcend to other areas. There is value in findings which are taken, not only from the voices of those who have been in these situations but also the knowledge of the part history has to play and the affects on a psychology level on individuals. There are numerous documents in psychology that support my strong feelings why the colour-blind approach has no place in adoption which the government would be well advised to look at in order to put holding and ethical systems in place.

Anyone should be allowed to adopt, however this change in the system should not be based on a colour-blind approach. Avoidance and lack of importance is the place that the colour-blind term resides in. This is a place of unawareness and potential harm. Within difference there are differences, which need to addressed from   skin and hair type to culture and beyond. Colour or 'race' consciousness is the awareness and embrace of differences, diversity and acceptance of these differences. This is where everyone should be working from.  Identity matters whether you discuss it or not, so let’s start discussing it without the rose tinted glasses. 

Notes:

Recent developments in the analysis of DNA, confirms that the concept of ‘race’ is a constructed one, with no objective basis in biology. This concept as well as the notions of ‘Black’ and ‘White’ was imposed by the colonial powers. Rustin (1991) said, “It is both an empty category and one of the most powerful forms of social categorization” (Rustin, p.57). I have refered to ‘race’ in apostrophes to acknowledge the emptiness of this prescribed category.

Rustin, M. (1991) Psychoanalysis, racism and anti-racism. In the Good society and the Inner world.    London: Verco

Related Posts:
1.Precious is Precious
2.Dazzled by the stars...
3.Simon Says...

© Lisa Bent 2011